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When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat. -- David Letterman
Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!" Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?--Kenny Rogerson
There's a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.--David Letterman
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. - Phyllis Diller
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.--George Carlin
This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table. -- Jim Samuels
Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, "How long has Mom been drinking like this?" My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, "Here, kitty, kitty."--David Letterman
At Thanksgiving, my mom always makes too much food, especially one item, like 700 or 800 pounds of sweet potatoes. She's got to push it during the meal. "Did you get some sweet potatoes? There's sweet potatoes. They're hot. There's more in the oven, some more in the garage. The rest are at the Johnson's." -- Louie Anderson
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out -- Jay Leno
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. -- Erma Bombeck
It wasn't easy telling my family that I'm gay. I made my carefully worded announcement at Thanksgiving. It was very Norman Rockwell. I said, "Mom, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?" She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed. - Bob Smith
Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. - Johnny Carson
